I know I know... this isn't a blogtober post. I've just had a realization tonight and I have always used this platform as a way to get things off my chest. 
It was never about the followers/views for me until almost a year ago. Before that it was mainly a personal diary that allowed me to write about my experiences and reflect on them. Was I happier when that was all I wanted the blog to be?
Don't get me wrong, I really like the blogging community. But, it is a very very large community. A community with a lot of people... doing the exact same thing. 
I feel like, outside of my blog/social media/ etc. I am an original person. Just as you, the person reading this, is also original. You have experiences, good and bad, that have made you into the exact person you are. If you are a blogger it's because somewhere along the way you felt inspired to share your very special self with the world. 
But what if that inspiration is shrouded in something else? It's hard not to go on social media and see "Sally Whats-her-name" getting sponsorships for products you buy and you love. So you think: "If she can do it, I definitely can" and then you start a blog. 
Then suddenly you realize, Sally has been doing this for years... do I have the ability to spend years on this effort just to get that sponsorship? Are those precious hours of my life worth the planning, executing, strategizing, agonizing moments that also come along with blogging? 

Maybe I just got too into the possibility or the expectation that there will be success. Because specifically during this very tumultuous time in my life, with no full time job, living back home, etc. I made my identity my blog. And as much as it hurts to face the music, my blog doesn't have much. Sure, I love beauty and I adore makeup but isn't there a million other girls out there who love it just as much? And yes, I really really like being creative and writing out themed posts, but why don't I write a book or script instead? 
I'm afraid of the future... I really can't deny it. This blogtober thing got to me a lot quicker than I expected. The constant need to check views or "is my frickin tweet getting high analytics" was maddening! Reading post after post about finding sponsors or monetization was all consuming. And then being smacked in the face just by going on a website like Bloglovin'. There are so many of the same people out there. Do I really have the stamina to even try to get my name in the running?

I think I need to remember why I started this. Not as a full time job, not as an identity, but as an outlet. A place where I can go and be creative and silly and not everyone's g-dang cup of tea. 
But for my own peace of mind I will be continuing blogtober. I have enjoyed taking photos, editing them, and writing out the posts. I have enjoyed finding new bloggers on twitter and revamping my bloglovin' account after I abandoned it awhile ago. 
But I am making my vow here and now: I, Samantha, will not obsess over views. I will not value my self based on how many likes or retweets on Twitter. And I will continue to put as much effort into having a unique life experience as I can. 

If you're reading this, thanks. Xoxo Sam

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  1. I absolutely love this post. I go through these thoughts myself-why am I doing this?! And it is a creative outlet that I otherwise wouldn't have, But you are so right- we are bloggers in a sea of others doing similar things, and a lot more way more experienced. It is definitely a process and one of personal growth, producing and sharing, making some new friends even if just online, and connecting- though getting paid would be icing on the cake, wouldn't it?! But I don't think that will happen for a while for me if ever! I do check my analytics every day and when I have no reads or clicks it can get me down too, but I guess that is more motivation to do more and try new things. I will be reading your blog! Nice to read such an honest post!