Checking In


Hello! So this is going to be pretty short and sweet for a post. There is a lot I could say but I'm afraid as I'm writing this that it's going to become something that overwhelms me so let's just avoid that shall we? This semester was going so well for me. I really felt like I was keeping a good momentum of keeping busy and just cherishing all my friends and my time here before I leave in June. Slowly, however, a feeling started to creep into me. They are the same demons I have faced all my life but as I have grown and matured I have learned to become better equipped to handle them. It is a daily struggle... something I know a lot of people deal with. Something that never really goes away but becomes a part of your life. The same way you get used to wearing makeup everyday you wear this burden like a scarf around your neck. It can be suffocating at times, the scarf tightening and loosening with no rhyme or reason. Then all of a sudden you'll be gasping for air. You'll turn to the people around you to try to take the suffocation away but their words only rebound.
Sometimes people win this battle, sometimes they turn to a professional or medical help for support. Sometimes people lose.
I don't write this to be morbid or have a pity party because 85% of the time I am a happy person. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel every single time. I don't ever let the scarf get too tight without reaching out to someone for help. This week has been a whirlwind. Almost as though there was a heavy fog moving in starting Tuesday when I was on my way to the Zoolander 2 premiere in New York. I had just finished my first shift at my new job. I was feeling lighter than air. The scarf was loose.
My sister called me in tears while I was waiting in line at a Duane Reade and all of a sudden it felt like someone yanked at the scarf. I will spare you the details but yesterday at 1pm EST I lost someone very dear to my heart. I saw it coming, I had closure, and in many ways it was a relief. But when you deal with grief while having a battle with your own mind... well... (for lack of a better metaphor) suddenly that scarf has tripled in size.
Someone told me yesterday as I sat with my grief that sometimes it is better to be away when death happens. That in some way the universe is protecting you. I wanted to disagree but who am I to question the universe. There was a reason I was away when this happened. There was a reason that this person was unable to hold on until I could return to them in 3 short months.
But the scarf is as tight as it has been in a long time. Lying in bed last night being so exhausted that my body ached. I woke up this morning and immediately dreaded the daylight. I yearned for the night to be longer, something I haven't done in a long time. But the new day came. The way it always does and I think the sun shown extra bright through my window this morning as a way to beckon me from my own mind.
I hope that wherever you are in the world, that if you are reading this you know that tomorrow the sun will shine. That an eternal night is not meant for the living. As I go out today to work I hold my grief on my shoulders along with the knowledge that just because my world stops the outside world won't. And I think there is something wonderful about that, you can either choose to let the scarf suffocate you or you can wear it with pride as a way to remember that you are winning the battle every single time you get out of bed and go to the window and see the sun.

With all the love I can give. xoxo Sam

You Might Also Like