I bleed at the thought that I never update this blog but of course here I am to fill in the latest and greatest news. Lately things of been tough. Not just the normal day-to-day stresses of school and friends but also internally. I felt like I started off the year with a clean mindset and here I am, March, and I can feel myself reverting back to old ways. I don't like complaining because my life really has a lot of wonderful things about it! But sometimes it just gets to be too much.
I know pretty much every twentysomething can relate to the feeling of being lost. Do I love my major? no. Am I ready to start my life? yes. Am I ready to take on adult responsibilities? uhh...
All of these things are constantly swirling around our minds and eventually it just gets to be too much and you want to run away as fast as possible from everything and everyone.
There are moments that make it worth it, like walking in New York Fashion Week, but more often than not there are moments where you think... what am I actually doing with my life. Sure everyone says we have time but I don't want to waste the one life we are given just being unhappy with who I am and what I'm doing.
I guess I came here to say I am done with the city that never sleeps. I am tired. I am broke. And I am flailing.
With that said I am not depressed about life. I know there is so much more the world has to offer me. Maybe it's because I am figuring out who I am and what I want that I am unsatisfied with the life that I am living at this moment. It definitely doesn't mean I won't ever get away from it because come spring of 2016 ADIOS NEW YORK!
I will always appreciate the time I have spent here and the memories I have shared with some amazing people. But it's time for something different. Some people are empowered by New York and I honestly envy their tenacity and courage.
We get out what we put in to life. Maybe I didn't put enough of myself into loving it here. Maybe I was someone who was meant for a different path and didn't know until I learned for myself. But I think that is the great thing about leaving. That now I can go back and know what the world was like away from the support and comfort of home.
But then again... maybe it's the fact that it is almost April and there is currently snow falling from the sky. Or maybe I just have a chronic dissatisfaction with life (love quoting woody allen movies). I wish some wise old sage could come and tell me that I made the right choice. That I didn't screw up by choosing to go so far away from home. That New York was where I was meant to find myself.
I didn't know this post would turn into such a bummer but I needed to express to others that you aren't alone if you feel like you made the wrong choice. You aren't alone if you don't love the life you are living. And you aren't alone if you are ready to make the changes necessary to be a happier person.
I am tired of putting on a brave face for everyone and acting like its all flowers and rainbows.
Okay... Angsty rant over.

Have you ever felt like you are on a constant stream of disappointing people. Like no matter what you do, someone feels like you let them down. Maybe I'm paranoid but lately, everything I do seems to make someone upset. Studying abroad has been freaking amazing except for the fact that I am always doing stuff for other people. I never thought I had a problem doing my own thing until I came here. Then it seemed like all I was doing was making sure that no one was mad at me. I started stretching myself thin and then, ultimately, would let everyone down. Either I'm with my friends and my sister is upset or I'm with my sister and my friends are wondering where I am.
Last monday I had minor breakdown. Call it hormones or seasons changing but damn, I was extremely upset. My sister and I had been planning to go to Italy but I was waiting to hear what my friends plans were as well. She was tired of me always delaying it and not being able to make up my mind that she said she didn't want to go with me at all. Well I took this as a failure. That my friends were now going without me and that my sister was angry with me... it all became way too much. Sitting in my host moms kitchen trying to catch my breath she comes in and immediately gives me a hug. Funny how much a hug can release a calming emotion no matter who it's from. Trying to explain to her in Spanish why I was so upset was extremely difficult but she told me she is the same as me. Always taking on other people's problems like they are my own.
I finally was able to talk with my mom, which I knew was all I needed to get my head back on straight but for the rest of the week I really tried to be proactive about making my own decisions. Doing things for myself and not letting other people's negative attitude effect my own mental state.
I don't mind doing things for other people but why I let them get the better of me will always remain a mystery to me. If anyone has any advice for how they cope with disappointment I would love to hear it.

Wow I really suck at keeping updated on things. Well life here in Spain is pretty amazing. The people I have met and become friends with are truly amazing. The places I have seen are absolutely breathtaking. And the food I have eaten has unmatched anything I have ever had before. I wouldn´t trade a moment of this adventure because it has truly been one of the greatest experiences of my entire life.
But... and I don´t mean the negative but... I really miss New York. Prior to arriving in Spain I was feeling kind of iffy about returning to MC. Not because I didn´t love the city or my amazing friends but because I was tired of leaving my family back in California. All I wanted was to be close to my mom and cousins and uncles and aunts and grandparents and dog (lol). I even broke down in the London airport when I realized I was tired of saying goodbye all the time. It never gets easier and really it gets harder with the passing of time. People are getting older and their lives are changing and often, when you aren´t present, those plans don´t include you.
When I first got to Spain I was pretty upset. I wasn´t adjusting well to the culture and I was angry with myself for making this choice. Then a few weeks ago I started to really really REALLY miss MC. I wanted to walk the same path to Leo. I wanted to get a chai latte and sweet potatoe fries from Café 1853. I even missed the cafetería food from Lockes. I don´t necessarily know what made this change of heart but it has constantly been on my mind and it is exhausting.
It is really difficult to miss a place when you have no way of changing it. Then I get angry at myself for not living in the moment. I will never get the chance to live in Spain again and here I am missing a place that I could probably live for the rest of my life. I am here with my best friend and sister and Jesus I must be absolutely insane!!!!!
But I´m not. I am human and often times don´t have control over what my mind desires or my heart wants. I think it is cheesy when people say ´´ Oh it helped me learn so much about myself´´ but really I have found out that maybe i´m not as adventurous as  I once believed. I was always someone who believed the grass was greener somewhere else but honestly going to New York was my biggest dream and for a moment I was ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. I am grateful this experience has renewed this love that I have but when January 5th rolls around... I won´t be sorry or sad or unprepared.
I will be able to say I did it. Against all odds I did something that most people in their life will never do. I will also be able to say I am doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do with my life.
Also GOD BLESS AMERICA;)

I am a sucker for the buzzfeed quizzes. I literally could sit for hours and answer these pointless questions that often lead to uninteresting results. However, on multiple quizzes they ask what your cardinal sin would be if you had one. You know gluttony, wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, and envy. At first I really would struggle to think what mine would be until I asked one of my good friends what he thought.
When he said envy immediately i realized that he was right on the money. Often times i find myself getting jealous at the smallest things. Like if i find out my friends are together and im sitting inside studying I just want to cry.
I know it isn't normal and i'm pretty sure other people don't get that same sense of anger but it isn't something that i know how to control yet.
Perhaps it is a result of the "Facebook Effect"--the one where everyone is posting statuses about the awesome things they are doing and you feel like your life isn't enough. I think it is normal to see things other people have and feel that you want-or deserve- the same. But where is the line drawn?
So a question i have for everyone is "what would your cardinal sin be?" and "any advice on getting rid of it?"

I may not be the most experienced person to talk about this but I think it is extremely important nonetheless. Knowing yourself and reading the signs that your body gives you is one of the greatest tools you can develop. Having the ability to say "can I do this" or "should I do this" is extremely hard to perfect because there is always multiple voices, whether inside your head or from other people, that tell you to do the opposite.
Friday night I went out and had a blast with all my friends. Dancing, having deep conversations, laughing my ass off…it was all there and it was fantastic. After a long long LONG week I was ready to let loose and party. This also means going to sleep around 3 o'clock.
Saturday morning my roommates wake me up at 8 o'clock because they are leaving for a retreat. While usually I don't mind being woken up (light sleeper problems) today I really couldn't believe that I was unable to fall back asleep because I could tell I was still exhausted. Around noon my friend and I went to the met and walked around and laughed and mimicked the paintings and statues. After we went down to east village and went thrifting and then ate at Artichoke pizza (my absolute favorite). Well the entire day I could feel my body slowly crumbling in. My feet ached, my eyes pounded, and the thought of have to lift my arms was just too much to handle.
We got back around 6 and I went to my room… and basically died until my soul was resurrected at 9 o'clock this morning. I had been invited to a few parties/bars but I knew that what I needed was sleep. Pure, raw, uninterrupted sleep. And I did but it made me realize I need to know when to draw the line more. Sleeping early on week days, leaving the party earlier on the weekends… anything helps. But all in all I am rested and rejuvenated for the homework day ahead!
Happy Sunday!

It's inevitable right? There is no way to stop it and yet we all try... every single day of our lives we try to stop change from happening. I love the beginning of semesters because its like a breath of fresh air. But then the reality hits in when I think I am one semester closer to being finished with college and preparing for the world ahead. It's a scary thought, but one that comes with much preparation and excitement. Seeing my sister finish school was thrilling for me just as much as it was for her. Finally I was seeing firsthand what life after school could be like and... well... not so good. She was (and still is) absolutely terrified of the road ahead. Graduating a semester early she didn't have a set plan. Although she has had mountains and mountains of support from her friends and family to do whatever she wants to do she is still hesitant. School loans and low job opportunities are staring her straight in the face and, like many other recent grads, it all looks so bleak. I am not necessarily the most optimistic person but I do try to make sure that everyone around me stays positive. Trying to convince my sister that everything will be okay and that not having it figured out at 21 is perfectly normal, but the truth is that I don't really know how she feels. For at least another 2 years I am bound to my school work and, other than looking for part time work, I do not have to join the real world.
Like I said earlier change is going to happen whether we are prepared or not. You can face it with trepidation and dread or you can grab change and make it whatever you want to be! Change up your morning routine, your workout routine, your social life. All of these things CAN be in your control as long as you have the desire to do it.
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide -