Oh, don't mind me just sitting here on the floor of an empty apartment trying to process the past five days... Graduation weekend is officially done and now I am a post graduate. All my friends have left and my roommate as well. My family left later yesterday but I quickly busied myself with packing so as not to linger too long on all the things I should be sad about.
The emphasis here is really on the fact that I SHOULD BE sad right now. Instead I feel unemotional (and if you really knew me you would find this terribly confusing). I am a pro at being overly emotional. I can cry on command and tend to get heartbroken from even the most menial of situations. But I'm sitting here waiting for tears to come and they haven't.
On graduation day I cried once for about five minutes as I hugged all my dearest friends goodbye. All of us caught up in the whirlwind of graduation, introducing parents to friends and friends to siblings etc etc. As we cabbed to the hotel I didn't feel upset knowing that when I returned to the apartment there would be no one there. Saying goodbye to my parents as they had an early flight, no tears. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge with my sisters knowing it would be my last time walking around the city for a long long time, no tears. And even now as I have come to the full realization that it is over I can't cry.
Maybe I really did do a good job at prepping myself for the end. I am happy that I was never distant and right to the last minute my friends and I knew how much we loved each other and how special this time together has really been.
Actually, I think the part I'm most upset about is that I couldn't fit everything in my three pieces of luggage (shipping things from NYC is completely the bane of my existence). I'll be heading to a friends home in Long Island and then leaving Thursday night for California. So I suppose this will be my last post written in New York. As some parting remarks I just want to thank this city for being my escape. Thanks to Manhattan College for teaching me more than just education, the value of friendship. And thank you to this incredible experience that *even though I'm not crying* is heart-wrenching to believe that it has finally come to a close.
XOXO from New York Sam!

So back in 2013 when I was finishing up my first year of college I wrote a list of fifty different things I had learned during my time away. It is so funny to read back on them and honestly for the most part they are still very true. But as I have now completed four years I think I have a more complete understanding of myself and my time here. So I figured I would make a final list on the 50 most important lessons I've learned in college.
1. There's a 99.99% you're going to change your major.
2. Become friends with your professor, laugh at their dumb jokes, ask for guidance.
3. If you feel you are being treated unfairly by a professor, speak up. Chances are other students feel the same.
4. Grades are always negotiable.
5. If you think all nighters are a good idea...you're wrong. Do it once to say you have.
6. Learn the power of time management early on.
7. Extracurriculars are great but don't let them take over your life.
8. Read the g-dang books you are assigned in English classes. Reading is one of life's greatest treasures.
9. If you know your passion never let others interfere.
10. It's okay to not know your passion yet... keep experiencing life, it will come.
11. You may love your college town, you may hate your college town, but let it teach you a lesson about yourself.
12. There's a great chance you'll look into transferring... really assess if your current situation is as bad as you think it is.
13. Netflix should be consumed sparingly.
14. You are going to make best friends in college.
15. You are going to lose best friends in college.
16. That party/bar/frat house will most likely never be as great as spending a night in watching movies with friends.
17. Write your essays ahead of time. Don't become the night-before monster.
18. If you drink, make sure you trust the people you are with.
19. Having a bad day, week, semester is something everyone experiences.
20. Study Abroad. STUDY ABROAD. Even if they tell you it's impossible. Even if you have to take out loans. It will change you.
21. Don't study abroad with friends. Learning to travel alone will be extremely valuable.
22. Go somewhere you don't know the language.
23. Learn a new language in college. It could be the only chance you get.
24. Internships aren't going to come to you. It takes work.
25. Not having an internship doesn't make you a failure. Volunteer or join a club, it's all about experience.
26. Your parents miss you. Give them a call every once in awhile.
27. Leave your hometown for college.
28. Everyone has their own shit going on. But you are never to busy to call an old friend.
29. It's good you didn't peak in high school, it's even better not to peak in college... be patient that your time will come.
30. One day you'll look back at the memory of your first insane college roommate and laugh.
31. Don't compromise your own values to make friends.
32. Find people who are pieces of you, not the whole picture. Be unique.
33. Take advice sparingly... no one knows you like you do.
34. If you get a tattoo: Don't be drunk. Don't be cheap. Don't tell your parents.
35. It's okay to sleep around and it's okay to not sleep with anyone. Trust your intuition.
36. You will probably gain weight and lose it. You are more than the size of your jeans.
37. The cafeteria should never be taken for granted. Free chicken nuggets won't always be a reality.
38. If you thought you couldn't imagine a life without a boy maybe you don't love yourself as much as you thought.
39. If you do something awkward or embarrassing really own the moment.
40. Getting exempt from finals isn't a myth but it does take a lot of effort.
41. GPA doesn't reflect who you are as a person but it does reflect your dedication to learning.
42. Don't let people walk all over you. Find your voice but learn when to let things go.
43. There will be days you think it won't end. And there will be days you think it went too fast.
44. Don't kill yourself trying to be employed straight out of college. You have the rest of your life to work.
45. If you move somewhere cold... buy a good coat.
46. Take lots of pictures.
47. Four quarters is better than 100 pennies.
48. Say thank you to your parents.
49. Never take this time for granted.
50. ...

It's April 27th and I'm sitting in my college's cafe, looking back at the previous blog posts I have written after my birthday for the past four years. 19 I think was my favorite to look back on. The friends I had sitting around the table, the outfit I wore (cringe), and the general memories were just wild to see again.
I can literally remember my 19th birthday like it was yesterday, eating Yum Yum (my favorite Thai Food place before it had to go betray me) and then getting Magnolia Bakery while my friends screamed the happy birthday song to me in the middle of Rockefeller Plaza.
Then of course there was 20 which I believe was also at a Thai Food restaurant but must not have been as meaningful because the blog post mostly talked about how scared I was to turn 20... oh if only you knew 19-year-old Sam, if only you knew.
Last year really feels like yesterday and of course I went to a Thai Food restaurant because I'm nothing if not consistent. 21 was a really interesting year for me. I lost some friendships while others got stronger. I experienced loss as well as pure happiness. I laughed, cried, yelled, danced... I had a great 21st year.
As 22 (my favorite number since I was about 11) rolls in the day was really really great. Did I do anything really out of the ordinary? Nope. But I danced and laughed and sat at a table with some of the people who wanted to share my day with me. What more could I ask for in the end? And with less than three weeks of school left I don't know what 22 really has in store for me. Who knows who will be sitting round the table with me on my 23rd?
I told my friend yesterday that I didn't like birthday's because I always end up crying. She asked why and I told her it was because it was too nostalgic. What has my life accumulated to after 22 years? What was 2 year old Sam thinking on her birthday or 10 year old Sam? What did I want for my life at those moments that has changed to what I want from life now?
There is so much to be grateful for and I really came here to say that if this year is anything like yesterday... I am a very lucky 22 year old.

So as of right now Adventures in the City that Never Sleeps has sadly come to an end. We are now entering the era of "The Leg Up" (more on what this name means to me later). It has been something I've been thinking about for awhile now and I finally decided to put it into action. I have to say it is a little invigorating to have something you created changing its name after such a long time.
When I started the blog I was in the second semester of my first year of college. At first all I wanted was to document some things that went on in my life. Almost like a scrap book of my ideas and adventures with friends during this crazy college experience. For the most part I would post like once every four months and even stopped altogether for awhile as different things kept capturing my attention.
It wasn't until recently that I started blogging about products, routines, and other things in my life that I enjoy and wanted to share with the blogging community. For me it has never been about getting a bunch of readers but just as a place where I could publicly share some of the goings-on in the life of a twenty-something who was living far away from home.
Another part of this "rebranding" is that in a few short weeks (almost like 50 days?!?!) I will be leaving New York City. I have grown accustomed to making tiny changes in preparation for big life changes. For the most part I compartmentalize change by making sure it goes in increments. This could be anywhere from how I'm going to move my stuff back across the country to should I dye my hair before I graduate or right after to signal the next step.
April, I can already tell, is going to be the pivotal month of this new experience. School work is manageable, retail work is manageable, friendships are manageable. But there are so many tiny details that need to be finished before May 22nd (my graduation day) and June 1st (the day I move back to California). The job search is what it is and surprisingly I am handling the stress of this remarkably well even though I have only gotten responses from companies that I don't really see myself fitting into. I will be *reluctantly* moving home until I can save up for a deposit on an apartment and I am already making plans for later in the year to travel with old friends.
It's really crazy to be having such an adjustment after I literally feel like I just moved here. The apartment feels like home and I can remember back to last May where I couldn't imagine having to live in such a tiny place for what seemed like a very very VERY long year.
So I guess that's what The Leg Up is doing for me. It's just one of the thousands of changes I am making before the next step. This path of education is coming to a very swift ending, one that I have really only mentally prepared for these past few months.
Some of you may be asking "Why the leg up?"
Well obviously, if I haven't said before, I am quite tall and I thought it would be fun to do a play on words for the new title. The idiom - getting a leg up - is like getting a boost from life. That's what I want this blog to be for this new phase. For the readers, for myself, for whomever may come across it. I think we could all use some support (even support as common as what new makeup to buy at the drugstore).
So thanks for sticking around and welcome to The Leg Up! As always xoxo Sam

Hello! So this is going to be pretty short and sweet for a post. There is a lot I could say but I'm afraid as I'm writing this that it's going to become something that overwhelms me so let's just avoid that shall we? This semester was going so well for me. I really felt like I was keeping a good momentum of keeping busy and just cherishing all my friends and my time here before I leave in June. Slowly, however, a feeling started to creep into me. They are the same demons I have faced all my life but as I have grown and matured I have learned to become better equipped to handle them. It is a daily struggle... something I know a lot of people deal with. Something that never really goes away but becomes a part of your life. The same way you get used to wearing makeup everyday you wear this burden like a scarf around your neck. It can be suffocating at times, the scarf tightening and loosening with no rhyme or reason. Then all of a sudden you'll be gasping for air. You'll turn to the people around you to try to take the suffocation away but their words only rebound.
Sometimes people win this battle, sometimes they turn to a professional or medical help for support. Sometimes people lose.
I don't write this to be morbid or have a pity party because 85% of the time I am a happy person. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel every single time. I don't ever let the scarf get too tight without reaching out to someone for help. This week has been a whirlwind. Almost as though there was a heavy fog moving in starting Tuesday when I was on my way to the Zoolander 2 premiere in New York. I had just finished my first shift at my new job. I was feeling lighter than air. The scarf was loose.
My sister called me in tears while I was waiting in line at a Duane Reade and all of a sudden it felt like someone yanked at the scarf. I will spare you the details but yesterday at 1pm EST I lost someone very dear to my heart. I saw it coming, I had closure, and in many ways it was a relief. But when you deal with grief while having a battle with your own mind... well... (for lack of a better metaphor) suddenly that scarf has tripled in size.
Someone told me yesterday as I sat with my grief that sometimes it is better to be away when death happens. That in some way the universe is protecting you. I wanted to disagree but who am I to question the universe. There was a reason I was away when this happened. There was a reason that this person was unable to hold on until I could return to them in 3 short months.
But the scarf is as tight as it has been in a long time. Lying in bed last night being so exhausted that my body ached. I woke up this morning and immediately dreaded the daylight. I yearned for the night to be longer, something I haven't done in a long time. But the new day came. The way it always does and I think the sun shown extra bright through my window this morning as a way to beckon me from my own mind.
I hope that wherever you are in the world, that if you are reading this you know that tomorrow the sun will shine. That an eternal night is not meant for the living. As I go out today to work I hold my grief on my shoulders along with the knowledge that just because my world stops the outside world won't. And I think there is something wonderful about that, you can either choose to let the scarf suffocate you or you can wear it with pride as a way to remember that you are winning the battle every single time you get out of bed and go to the window and see the sun.

With all the love I can give. xoxo Sam

Going to be a little more personal on the blog right now. I'm feeling pretty nostalgic today (I think it's due to the huge blizzard we experienced in New York yesterday) and I just wanted to talk out how I feel about starting my last first day of school tomorrow. So if there are any college seniors out there that are in the same boat as me right now your advice would be very much appreciated.
I'm not scared to end school at all because I feel ready to start my life. But there is something innocent that is about to end in a few months. It's the kindergartener with a brand new lunch box, the fourth grader with the braces, the eighth grader who is too cool for anything, the high school junior driving to school on their own for the first time... It's all of these things that have revolved around education for so long. It was always the center of everything. It was the reason to get up five days a week from the age of 4 to 22. It was the fights you had with your parents over a bad letter grade.
And now, in about four months, someone is going to look me in the eye, hand me a piece of paper and tell me that it's over. That all those years of anxiety, happiness, stress, and elation are finished.
Lord knows I'm not one who handles change well. But this change... am I really prepared? Starting from learning the most basic material like the A, B, C's to complex media planning and buying strategies.
And not only that but the fact that New York will shortly end it's chapter for me. All the growing I did here and the stories I will have to tell will all be past tense. That high school Senior who cried to her mom about how badly they wanted to leave Orange County, the people from high school, all of it! And now I am knowingly zeroing in on that life again. That has been the accumulation of my time in New York... returning back to my home town. Sure I did a lot, I experienced a lot, I learned a lot. But so did everyone else, in their own way. My friends who stayed at home experienced a completely different way of life than me. Not that one or the other is better but they aren't the same. Hearing from friends that they can't believe I buy my own toothpaste because that's what their parents do is alarming. But if that's what they know it can't be wrong?
So maybe that's what I am most nervous for. Not the job search process (although it is quite daunting) because I'm ready for that. But its saying goodbye to the 5 year old Sam with giant buck teeth who cried in class because a flag was covering up something on the wall and she couldn't read it. It's going back to the friends who have had their tooth paste bought their whole life.
I know there is going to be a lot of soul searching this semester as I evaluate my strengths and really figure out what I want in the next stage of life. I want to walk across that stage in May and know that my education taught me more than how to count or read. It taught me to be exactly who I am

.

hey hey hey! Wow, I truly hate to see how long ago the last post was written. This blog may not be super popular but I was excited to see the number of page views growing over the past few months as I put more energy into writing better and more interesting content. It really was more of an experiment, but one that I thoroughly enjoyed!!! When I got home from school I went on a mental and physical reset. You never know how much you have over done it until you come home and just go into total detox mode. Catching up with friends and family, preparing for Christmas, reading books I actually wanted to read, binge watching TV shows... the list went on and it was all lovely.
I was also feeling very unlike myself. It is not uncommon for me to get inside my head too much when I'm away from my family for a long time. The Thanksgiving trip was such a whirlwind I don't think I sat down for more than 5 minutes trying to see everyone and do all the things that I wanted to do while home. I always start to feel like myself again here... which can be both a good thing and well a really bad thing.
I am someone who always battles with self doubt. Sometimes it is the easiest thing to just be like no that'll never work out. Last year I really tried to be outside my comfort zone as much as possible. And I think I am still setting the foundation in my mind for being able to reach my own success. Call it life therapy because I know I came home at a time when I needed an intervention.
And that is what I am going to be talking about at least once a week on this blog. Discovery. That is my word for 2016. Every single time I am going to be in a new situation I am going to think about this word. As I am graduating from Uni this semester and entering into the job world... there are so so SO many unknowns. As a Taurus it is in my nature to have a hard time adjusting to big life changes. That is why I am going to create all the ground work and preparation to make sure that this giant change is nothing more than a smooth flow of gradual adjustments.
I ask that if anyone else is feeling the same that you come along with me on this journey this year. Having a community that is understanding and empathetic can make big life changes so much more possible to conquer. Sure your family is great but 9 times out of 10 they aren't in the same position you are. And although they may think they can relate they still see you and your situation from an outside perspective. But that is why the internet is so much fun! There are people like you, facing similar (if not exact) experiences as you are. I mean how rad is that. So come and discover with me my friends! Let's see how we can make 2016 such a beautiful year full of happiness and balance.
Be back soon xoxo Sam

I always try to be a self-proclaimed laid back kinda gal. However, mama does love a routine. Whether its just the first 20 minutes after I wake up, it's typically the time when I try to stick to routine the most. If I can start my morning off the right way, I find it usually makes for a better afternoon.
I can describe the routine as:

• Wake up and check all the apps on my phone that would be refreshed/new in the morning (10 Minutes)
• Go to the restroom, brush my teeth and wash my face (5 min)
• Come out to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and pour cereal (2 min)
• Make sure my budget book is as up-to-date as possible (more on this later, trying to keep a written book of everything I buy to see my spending habits) (5 to 10 min)
• Grab my computer and check all the different websites that have also been refreshed/new in the morning (20-30 min) 
• total time: 42-55 minutes

I am not even going to lie with you. I am having an extremely hard time being back in New York. "One more year" is all I hear from everyone. "It'll go so fast you'll wish you could go back." "Live it up, real life starts after."
While those are all well and true it is far different to give advice to someone than actually having to live it. When one year seems like the rest of your life. When the days drag by so slow you just want to take a million sleeping pills and hope it goes faster in your dreams. When you are so ready for real life to start that all you imagine is this life after it all.
Leaving California was like getting stabbed directly into the heart. I know it was hard on my family to see me that way. To see me beg and plead not to go back. So maybe I'm writing this because I need advice. The type of advice that will help me through the never ending days. Advice on how to not feel in your heart that you are meant to be somewhere 3000 miles away every single day of your life.
I'll get through it. I've done it for three years now and I've come through on the other side.
Even the days when I thought I wouldn't be able to get out of bed or look at another human without crying, I made it through.
This summer has been a type of recovery for me that I didn't even know I needed. One that has shown me things about myself and the person I am becoming. I know I can be proud of myself for leaving. For doing the things my high school self could only dream of.  But what if it's just not enough anymore. What if I'm tired of disconnecting with friends and missing out on family events. What do I do now?

I swear I blink and summer is already over. It is really just insanity in my mind. But I am feeling really ready for this final year. As absolutely terrifying the whole idea of ending college feels like, I am so so SO so ready to be out. Being home obviously gives me a glimpse at the life I lived prior to college. As I have probably said before, being home I always revert back to that person I was. Someone whose insecurities always got the better of them. It is honestly the worst feeling in the world to know that you have left and accomplished so much in the world but come home and immediately feel like a teenager again.

Isn't it funny how we can talk ourselves into a hole only to realize... it wasn't as hard as we thought. I feel kind of embarrassed by my last post. I was having a major pity party and it makes me disappointed to see myself get so low.
Sometimes we need to express how we feel and sure you can ask the people you love and respect for advice, but sometimes that isn't enough. It was nice to say exactly what I was feeling, no holds barred. But I don't like having such a pessimistic view about life. I genuinely enjoy the highs and lows that come with growing up. I know that things could be a thousand times worse and I am grateful for everything that comes my way.
That being said, I did think about taking down my last post altogether. Who wants that negativity spouted out for all of the internet to see? However, as I often find myself reading back at old posts, I am choosing to keep it up. I want to be able to look back and remember that a bad day doesn't mean a bad life.
Things get rough and frustrating. This is a fact of life that people deal with at every age. About 90% of the time things won't go the way you want them to. And that sucks, like majorly, but there is always a silver lining.
College is hard. It's the in-between of adulthood and childhood which can get truly aggravating. But it is temporary and soon enough it will be a memory that I will hold dear to my heart. Who knows maybe I'll even miss some things about it.
As the last few weeks of the semester bulldoze their way in I am reminded of the fact that all things come to an end. Childhood has come to an end and that is perhaps the scariest fact of all.
Looking towards the future. I don't know what's next and its scary and thrilling and a thousand different emotions all at one time.
But I'll get through. One way or another I'll come out on the other side.

I bleed at the thought that I never update this blog but of course here I am to fill in the latest and greatest news. Lately things of been tough. Not just the normal day-to-day stresses of school and friends but also internally. I felt like I started off the year with a clean mindset and here I am, March, and I can feel myself reverting back to old ways. I don't like complaining because my life really has a lot of wonderful things about it! But sometimes it just gets to be too much.
I know pretty much every twentysomething can relate to the feeling of being lost. Do I love my major? no. Am I ready to start my life? yes. Am I ready to take on adult responsibilities? uhh...
All of these things are constantly swirling around our minds and eventually it just gets to be too much and you want to run away as fast as possible from everything and everyone.
There are moments that make it worth it, like walking in New York Fashion Week, but more often than not there are moments where you think... what am I actually doing with my life. Sure everyone says we have time but I don't want to waste the one life we are given just being unhappy with who I am and what I'm doing.
I guess I came here to say I am done with the city that never sleeps. I am tired. I am broke. And I am flailing.
With that said I am not depressed about life. I know there is so much more the world has to offer me. Maybe it's because I am figuring out who I am and what I want that I am unsatisfied with the life that I am living at this moment. It definitely doesn't mean I won't ever get away from it because come spring of 2016 ADIOS NEW YORK!
I will always appreciate the time I have spent here and the memories I have shared with some amazing people. But it's time for something different. Some people are empowered by New York and I honestly envy their tenacity and courage.
We get out what we put in to life. Maybe I didn't put enough of myself into loving it here. Maybe I was someone who was meant for a different path and didn't know until I learned for myself. But I think that is the great thing about leaving. That now I can go back and know what the world was like away from the support and comfort of home.
But then again... maybe it's the fact that it is almost April and there is currently snow falling from the sky. Or maybe I just have a chronic dissatisfaction with life (love quoting woody allen movies). I wish some wise old sage could come and tell me that I made the right choice. That I didn't screw up by choosing to go so far away from home. That New York was where I was meant to find myself.
I didn't know this post would turn into such a bummer but I needed to express to others that you aren't alone if you feel like you made the wrong choice. You aren't alone if you don't love the life you are living. And you aren't alone if you are ready to make the changes necessary to be a happier person.
I am tired of putting on a brave face for everyone and acting like its all flowers and rainbows.
Okay... Angsty rant over.

So I will be the first person to admit that I am cursed with the laziness characteristic. I love nothing more than to sit inside and do nothing all day long. However, when it is time to get shit done. I do! There is just one thing that literally hangs over me like a dead cat every waking day. And that is finding a godforsaken internship for school.
I don't know why but I always convince myself I have more time. But last week a few of my closest friends were just catching up about all the things we missed while away from each other and each of them talked about their internships. Then there I was starting to break out into a sweat about not even having begun the search for one. The problem is that I feel finding a part time job to get money was a bigger priority but somehow everyone is able to do both.
After working three jobs last summer, I know that I just need to prioritize my time. My social life may need to take a little breaky-poo while I make my name known out in the real world. The hardest part is always starting and with a little push I know I can find something and make it work.
I swear one moment you think you're ahead and then BOOM you're ten spaces back and have to struggle to catch up. But this semester should breeze right by (just like all the other ones did) and before I know it internships will be the least of my worries as I actually enter into the JOB MARKET *screams in terror*

Can't believe I am actually writing this post from my room in New York! It has been nine long long LONG months away from this beautiful place and I am so full of happiness to be back. A little update on winter break: great. wonderful. full of adventure. WAY too short.

Aaahhh can there really only be two days of school left here in Spain?!?! I can not actually believe that as of tuesday my semester here will be over and every amazing person that I have met will leave. How crazy is it that you can look at someone that you have shared all these amazing and life changing moments with and think well I may never see you again... like ever.
On another note I am totally ready for the school part to be over with. As thankful as I am that the workload wasn't too demanding, I don't know how much more I could have handled. The organization and well english level of some of my teachers was severely lacking. *Note to self: Research school before studying abroad*
Also I am crazy excited for my family to get here! As much as I wish I could be home for christmas, I can't wait to share this country with them and show them a little bit of the culture that I have been living in for the past 3 months.
Yesterday a bunch of us took a cooking class in a 15th century cave and it made me super nostalgic and sad that it will all be over so so soon!
I know that everyone else if feeling the same way that I am. Which is torn about leaving because on the one hand you feel homesick for the US but on the other hand this experience is over. We will probably never be able to do this kind of thing again ever in our lives. I know, at least for me, that I have waited years and years for this and now that I only have a few weeks left... I would do anything to have just a little bit longer.
Well I should get back to studying since I have really been lacking in making any headway in that department.

I can actually not believe it's already November. Can it really be that I only have about a month and a half left in Europe?!?! Unreal.
Life has been pretty fantastic these past few weeks. Mostly because of my trip to Paris last weekend. Let's just say it was exactly what I needed to refresh my love of travel. Living in Madrid is amazing but, just like home, living somewhere is different than visiting. The everyday needs can get tiresome and boring (like the hour subway ride to school everyday). I found myself really not enjoying Madrid because I felt like I was living endlessly as a tourist in a place that I should've been making a temporary home. As soon as I realized this I took everyday a step at a time. 
I always thought moving to New York would be the hardest thing I've ever done and that after that change every thing else would be a breeze. Boy was I wrong. Not only have I really reflected on myself but I am seeing the changes I can make in my life back in the states in order to be happier!
Paris is truly the most magical place ever created.  We all joked that instead of posting all the pictures for our families we would just post one and say sorry but you have to go yourself. 
Seeing my friend and former roommate Coline went better than I ever could've imagined. It was as if it was still Freshman year and we were still doing everything together. Our jokes and singing took me back to such a happy place that I think the world could have been hit by an asteroid and I still would've been smiling from ear to ear. 
I left and knew that one day I would be back. 
This weekend we decided to take it easy since next weekend my program is taking us to Granada for three days and then I go to Munich, Germany with Kim for thanksgiving weekend. Can I just say life is beautiful. 
Sending love from this corner of the world :)

Have you ever felt like you are on a constant stream of disappointing people. Like no matter what you do, someone feels like you let them down. Maybe I'm paranoid but lately, everything I do seems to make someone upset. Studying abroad has been freaking amazing except for the fact that I am always doing stuff for other people. I never thought I had a problem doing my own thing until I came here. Then it seemed like all I was doing was making sure that no one was mad at me. I started stretching myself thin and then, ultimately, would let everyone down. Either I'm with my friends and my sister is upset or I'm with my sister and my friends are wondering where I am.
Last monday I had minor breakdown. Call it hormones or seasons changing but damn, I was extremely upset. My sister and I had been planning to go to Italy but I was waiting to hear what my friends plans were as well. She was tired of me always delaying it and not being able to make up my mind that she said she didn't want to go with me at all. Well I took this as a failure. That my friends were now going without me and that my sister was angry with me... it all became way too much. Sitting in my host moms kitchen trying to catch my breath she comes in and immediately gives me a hug. Funny how much a hug can release a calming emotion no matter who it's from. Trying to explain to her in Spanish why I was so upset was extremely difficult but she told me she is the same as me. Always taking on other people's problems like they are my own.
I finally was able to talk with my mom, which I knew was all I needed to get my head back on straight but for the rest of the week I really tried to be proactive about making my own decisions. Doing things for myself and not letting other people's negative attitude effect my own mental state.
I don't mind doing things for other people but why I let them get the better of me will always remain a mystery to me. If anyone has any advice for how they cope with disappointment I would love to hear it.

IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S FINALLY HERE! When people talk about how annoying the visa process is... it is no joke. Admittedly I am an anxious person when it comes to just about anything but the weeks leading up to getting the visa were some of the most stressful days of my life! Not only was it extremely expensive but I knew there could be zero room for mistake because of how limited on time I was. However last night after coming home from a two day vacation in the mountains with my sister and cousin my mom says "Your visa came." No joke at that moment I flew up the stairs with more speed than I even knew possible. And yes, there it was, lying on my bed like a shining beacon of success. Immediately I felt the wave of fulfillment rain over me. Although my sister hasn't received hers yet (only because she is applying for a resident visa not a student visa) I am confident that everything will work out perfectly.
Then that got me thinking. Sure maybe I overreacted and checked all my papers 2894823 times before the appointment and emailed my program about 9859028 times to make sure everything was correct but... this happiness that I feel at having done it all by myself is so rewarding. Everyone says there will be these big life moments and, although it isn't life changing, just seeing the "Hasta Seis Meses" writing is exhilarating.
Now, however, my priorities have shifted to studying as much as I possibly can in Spanish. Lord knows it is going to give me another ulcer but after riding on such a high like last night... nothing can stop me!

As I'm in sitting in the JFK terminal the reality is sinking in. 9 months away from the city and the people that I love so much. Sure it's not always pretty and it's definitely not always fun but there are moments ( like sitting on a huge rock in van cordtlant park at midnight) that breath life back into your lungs. I remember a few months back I hated the city. I hated the people. And I hated school. After realizing that it wasn't the city or the people or the school I really tried to remember my 17 year old self that cried and pleaded with her mother to let her move across the country to a city that held all the possibilities to a perfect life. Obviously... It wasn't perfect. But as I was walking block after block last night saying goodbye to the buildings and the streets that have shaped who I am I felt it again.