LIFE UPDATE!

adulthood
Oi vey. That's about the only phrase that I can think of right now (besides maybe Oof or Egh) that could describe my life at the moment. I just kind of feel like I've not only hit a wall but I came swinging into it on a rope, blindfolded. The pressure of finding a job after university got to me. THERE I SAID IT! I am in a full on post grad crisis and I have never felt less sure about the future and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have a full on Britney Spears '07 meltdown any minute now...
With that being said I'm not unhappy if that makes sense? No it doesn't? Yeah I don't get it either.
I guess if I could sum it up I am feeling good mentally in terms of who I am, my body, my relationships, etc. So where am I getting frustrated you (--I) may be wondering? As I have been processing everything after graduation I know that all I want to do is be creative. I want to find a career in a field that I can express creativity. 
But you wanna know what I am truly realizing? The creative process is sooooooooooooooooooooooo individual that there is no sure fire way to go about it. 
Here's a list of things I enjoy to express creatively:
1. Writing
2. Drawing
3. Film Editing/Producing

Here's a list of things I actual can put on a resume:
1. Starting a book/script and getting annoyed
2. Drawing half a picture and getting annoyed
3. Not getting the editing perfect and getting annoyed

I know I ain't alone here people! I know there a tons upon millions upon billions of people who are like "yeah Sam, I get that" so what's the advice? 

On top of this poo sandwich I've made there's the pressure of the real world -- the real world mostly consisting of my family -- that will. not. quit. The nagging about job apps, interview clothes for interviews I don't have, or comparisons to other people my age who are actually doing a semi good job at appearing like they have their shit together. It has gone from being a shit storm to a poonami and soon I'll be all out of poop jokes and then where will we be?

So if you find that my blogs are not as WOOHOO or LOOKY LOOKY it's because I am slowly being crushed into a pancake from all the pressure of real world grown up-y stuff and lordy lord. It ain't goin well. 

much love, as always, xoxo Sam



Post Grad: Day 2

bblog

Oh, don't mind me just sitting here on the floor of an empty apartment trying to process the past five days... Graduation weekend is officially done and now I am a post graduate. All my friends have left and my roommate as well. My family left later yesterday but I quickly busied myself with packing so as not to linger too long on all the things I should be sad about.
The emphasis here is really on the fact that I SHOULD BE sad right now. Instead I feel unemotional (and if you really knew me you would find this terribly confusing). I am a pro at being overly emotional. I can cry on command and tend to get heartbroken from even the most menial of situations. But I'm sitting here waiting for tears to come and they haven't.
On graduation day I cried once for about five minutes as I hugged all my dearest friends goodbye. All of us caught up in the whirlwind of graduation, introducing parents to friends and friends to siblings etc etc. As we cabbed to the hotel I didn't feel upset knowing that when I returned to the apartment there would be no one there. Saying goodbye to my parents as they had an early flight, no tears. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge with my sisters knowing it would be my last time walking around the city for a long long time, no tears. And even now as I have come to the full realization that it is over I can't cry.
Maybe I really did do a good job at prepping myself for the end. I am happy that I was never distant and right to the last minute my friends and I knew how much we loved each other and how special this time together has really been.
Actually, I think the part I'm most upset about is that I couldn't fit everything in my three pieces of luggage (shipping things from NYC is completely the bane of my existence). I'll be heading to a friends home in Long Island and then leaving Thursday night for California. So I suppose this will be my last post written in New York. As some parting remarks I just want to thank this city for being my escape. Thanks to Manhattan College for teaching me more than just education, the value of friendship. And thank you to this incredible experience that *even though I'm not crying* is heart-wrenching to believe that it has finally come to a close.
XOXO from New York Sam!





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