It's April 27th and I'm sitting in my college's cafe, looking back at the previous blog posts I have written after my birthday for the past four years. 19 I think was my favorite to look back on. The friends I had sitting around the table, the outfit I wore (cringe), and the general memories were just wild to see again.
I can literally remember my 19th birthday like it was yesterday, eating Yum Yum (my favorite Thai Food place before it had to go betray me) and then getting Magnolia Bakery while my friends screamed the happy birthday song to me in the middle of Rockefeller Plaza.
Then of course there was 20 which I believe was also at a Thai Food restaurant but must not have been as meaningful because the blog post mostly talked about how scared I was to turn 20... oh if only you knew 19-year-old Sam, if only you knew.
Last year really feels like yesterday and of course I went to a Thai Food restaurant because I'm nothing if not consistent. 21 was a really interesting year for me. I lost some friendships while others got stronger. I experienced loss as well as pure happiness. I laughed, cried, yelled, danced... I had a great 21st year.
As 22 (my favorite number since I was about 11) rolls in the day was really really great. Did I do anything really out of the ordinary? Nope. But I danced and laughed and sat at a table with some of the people who wanted to share my day with me. What more could I ask for in the end? And with less than three weeks of school left I don't know what 22 really has in store for me. Who knows who will be sitting round the table with me on my 23rd?
I told my friend yesterday that I didn't like birthday's because I always end up crying. She asked why and I told her it was because it was too nostalgic. What has my life accumulated to after 22 years? What was 2 year old Sam thinking on her birthday or 10 year old Sam? What did I want for my life at those moments that has changed to what I want from life now?
There is so much to be grateful for and I really came here to say that if this year is anything like yesterday... I am a very lucky 22 year old.

Isn't it funny how we can talk ourselves into a hole only to realize... it wasn't as hard as we thought. I feel kind of embarrassed by my last post. I was having a major pity party and it makes me disappointed to see myself get so low.
Sometimes we need to express how we feel and sure you can ask the people you love and respect for advice, but sometimes that isn't enough. It was nice to say exactly what I was feeling, no holds barred. But I don't like having such a pessimistic view about life. I genuinely enjoy the highs and lows that come with growing up. I know that things could be a thousand times worse and I am grateful for everything that comes my way.
That being said, I did think about taking down my last post altogether. Who wants that negativity spouted out for all of the internet to see? However, as I often find myself reading back at old posts, I am choosing to keep it up. I want to be able to look back and remember that a bad day doesn't mean a bad life.
Things get rough and frustrating. This is a fact of life that people deal with at every age. About 90% of the time things won't go the way you want them to. And that sucks, like majorly, but there is always a silver lining.
College is hard. It's the in-between of adulthood and childhood which can get truly aggravating. But it is temporary and soon enough it will be a memory that I will hold dear to my heart. Who knows maybe I'll even miss some things about it.
As the last few weeks of the semester bulldoze their way in I am reminded of the fact that all things come to an end. Childhood has come to an end and that is perhaps the scariest fact of all.
Looking towards the future. I don't know what's next and its scary and thrilling and a thousand different emotions all at one time.
But I'll get through. One way or another I'll come out on the other side.

IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! IT'S FINALLY HERE! When people talk about how annoying the visa process is... it is no joke. Admittedly I am an anxious person when it comes to just about anything but the weeks leading up to getting the visa were some of the most stressful days of my life! Not only was it extremely expensive but I knew there could be zero room for mistake because of how limited on time I was. However last night after coming home from a two day vacation in the mountains with my sister and cousin my mom says "Your visa came." No joke at that moment I flew up the stairs with more speed than I even knew possible. And yes, there it was, lying on my bed like a shining beacon of success. Immediately I felt the wave of fulfillment rain over me. Although my sister hasn't received hers yet (only because she is applying for a resident visa not a student visa) I am confident that everything will work out perfectly.
Then that got me thinking. Sure maybe I overreacted and checked all my papers 2894823 times before the appointment and emailed my program about 9859028 times to make sure everything was correct but... this happiness that I feel at having done it all by myself is so rewarding. Everyone says there will be these big life moments and, although it isn't life changing, just seeing the "Hasta Seis Meses" writing is exhilarating.
Now, however, my priorities have shifted to studying as much as I possibly can in Spanish. Lord knows it is going to give me another ulcer but after riding on such a high like last night... nothing can stop me!

As I'm in sitting in the JFK terminal the reality is sinking in. 9 months away from the city and the people that I love so much. Sure it's not always pretty and it's definitely not always fun but there are moments ( like sitting on a huge rock in van cordtlant park at midnight) that breath life back into your lungs. I remember a few months back I hated the city. I hated the people. And I hated school. After realizing that it wasn't the city or the people or the school I really tried to remember my 17 year old self that cried and pleaded with her mother to let her move across the country to a city that held all the possibilities to a perfect life. Obviously... It wasn't perfect. But as I was walking block after block last night saying goodbye to the buildings and the streets that have shaped who I am I felt it again.

I may not be the most experienced person to talk about this but I think it is extremely important nonetheless. Knowing yourself and reading the signs that your body gives you is one of the greatest tools you can develop. Having the ability to say "can I do this" or "should I do this" is extremely hard to perfect because there is always multiple voices, whether inside your head or from other people, that tell you to do the opposite.
Friday night I went out and had a blast with all my friends. Dancing, having deep conversations, laughing my ass off…it was all there and it was fantastic. After a long long LONG week I was ready to let loose and party. This also means going to sleep around 3 o'clock.
Saturday morning my roommates wake me up at 8 o'clock because they are leaving for a retreat. While usually I don't mind being woken up (light sleeper problems) today I really couldn't believe that I was unable to fall back asleep because I could tell I was still exhausted. Around noon my friend and I went to the met and walked around and laughed and mimicked the paintings and statues. After we went down to east village and went thrifting and then ate at Artichoke pizza (my absolute favorite). Well the entire day I could feel my body slowly crumbling in. My feet ached, my eyes pounded, and the thought of have to lift my arms was just too much to handle.
We got back around 6 and I went to my room… and basically died until my soul was resurrected at 9 o'clock this morning. I had been invited to a few parties/bars but I knew that what I needed was sleep. Pure, raw, uninterrupted sleep. And I did but it made me realize I need to know when to draw the line more. Sleeping early on week days, leaving the party earlier on the weekends… anything helps. But all in all I am rested and rejuvenated for the homework day ahead!
Happy Sunday!

It's inevitable right? There is no way to stop it and yet we all try... every single day of our lives we try to stop change from happening. I love the beginning of semesters because its like a breath of fresh air. But then the reality hits in when I think I am one semester closer to being finished with college and preparing for the world ahead. It's a scary thought, but one that comes with much preparation and excitement. Seeing my sister finish school was thrilling for me just as much as it was for her. Finally I was seeing firsthand what life after school could be like and... well... not so good. She was (and still is) absolutely terrified of the road ahead. Graduating a semester early she didn't have a set plan. Although she has had mountains and mountains of support from her friends and family to do whatever she wants to do she is still hesitant. School loans and low job opportunities are staring her straight in the face and, like many other recent grads, it all looks so bleak. I am not necessarily the most optimistic person but I do try to make sure that everyone around me stays positive. Trying to convince my sister that everything will be okay and that not having it figured out at 21 is perfectly normal, but the truth is that I don't really know how she feels. For at least another 2 years I am bound to my school work and, other than looking for part time work, I do not have to join the real world.
Like I said earlier change is going to happen whether we are prepared or not. You can face it with trepidation and dread or you can grab change and make it whatever you want to be! Change up your morning routine, your workout routine, your social life. All of these things CAN be in your control as long as you have the desire to do it.
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide - 

Maybe it's the idea of a new year that creates the endless opportunity of a fresh start. Shedding your skin and reaching towards those goals that at one time seemed completely unattainable. I like to choose a word every year that I will try to live my life by. Last years word was Learn, whether it was about myself, in school, or taking the time to learn more about the world around me. This years word is balance. A problem I have suffered from is losing total balance when things in my life go in a different direction than I thought. Finding that balance will hopefully help me keep my feet firmly on the ground and my head out of the sky. The reality of growing older each year is coming to terms with the fact that all things are in your control. People will only hurt you if you let them. People will only love you if you let them. Recently I saw a gif set on tumblr that really grabbed my attention. It was a scene from the lion king when Rafiki hits Simba on the head and Simba asks what that was for. Rafiki responds "it doesn't matter. It's in the past." to which Simba says "yeah, but it still hurts.", and here is where the real wisdom comes in, Rafiki's response is "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it." Probably one of the greatest things I have ever heard and it comes from a cartoon. I have seen firsthand how detrimental holding onto the past can be to a person. Of course your past is important because you are who you are today because of your experiences. But guess what... EVERY NEW DAY IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHANGE YOURSELF. Every new sunrise is a clean slate. If that doesn't fill your heart with hope and happiness then I don't know what can. Love harder than you've ever loved. Cry when you're sad. Laugh until your cheeks hurt. Try new things. Meet new people. Live by your heart and not by your head. Balance is key. "Balance, my darling, is never letting anyone love you less than you love yourself."

It has become a ritual to go to the city every friday no matter how drained we are from the week. Whether it is a shopping trip or to see a movie, we always end up having the most fantastic time!

Well everybody it is officially the end of my first week of sophomore year! I don't even know where to begin. I guess I can start with having to say goodbye to my AMAZING california friends last friday at a little bonfire on the beach (minus the bonfire). I always pray that saying goodbye will get easier and easier each time I leave but I am now finding out that the opposite is happening. I can't help to feel that as I am going on a different path with my life, so are all my friends. To think that one day I will return home and they will all have either moved away or just moved on is terrifying. Of course I know that most of my friends will be life long. Being that I am 3000 miles away from them, maintaing constant interaction proves to be extremely difficult. None the less knowing that I have such an amazing support system back home is always empowering as I venture into the unknown.

I am literally sitting hear in awe of the fact that tomorrow is July 1st. Has it really been a month and a half that I have been out of school?!?! Anywhooo this summer has been fantastico! Apart from the fact that it took my work a month to finally hire me back I consider it a blessing in disguise. Sure it would have been nice to make more money this summer but the time that I got to spend not only with friends and family but also alone was precious. I have done more this summer in this short time than I did in a year when I lived here full time. Do I miss New York? Absolutely. Do I miss my college friends? More than words. But I thank God everyday that I grew up in such an amazing place with such amazing people.

I figure that this long bus ride will give me all the time I need to think of the 50 most important things I have learned my freshman year. (in no particular order)
1. Getting lost is not always a bad thing, you could end up meeting your best friend (talking about you Cassandre)
2. Do not lower your standards for friends just because you are afraid of being a loner.
3. Don't make snap judgments on people because most of the time you are very, VERY wrong.
4. You will stay in touch with people you never thought you would.
5. You will lose touch with people you never thought you would.
6. Skype is one of the greatest inventions yet (even if your mom doesn't like it).
7. The more time you spend alone, the more homesick you are going to feel.
8. Coline is the Netflix champion because she can watch an entire season of Desperate Housewives in a day.
9. Not having a TV makes for a more productive life.
10. Netflix will cancel out all that productivity.
11. Sometimes the greatest nights are spent watching a movie with close friends.
12. Making forts is still so much fun but sleeping in them is not.
13. When the news names something "Frankenstorm", prepare accordingly.
14. Target was designed to hypnotize its customers into buying 100's of dollars of worthless shit every time you walk through the doors.
15. Don't go to target more than once a month.
16. Every time, EVERY TIME, you have to use the bathroom, one of your suite mates will be taking a shower
17. Don't lose a friendship because you feel torn between having to pick sides.
18. Do not walk up a muddy hill after it snows (christine this one is for you)
19. Boys like to play music loud enough that they have the experience of being in an actual club (whether this is true or not is unknown, but if not I do not understand the purpose of blasting loud dub step music...)
20. Its okay to go to bed at 11 at night in college (the stereotype that college kids don't get sleep is mainly for those with bad time management)
21. It is possible to go to bed at 3 every night and still function properly the next day
22. Do not take more than 3 naps a day or your brain will stop working
23. Don't take naps after 6 p.m.
24. If you are going to watch a movie that your friend loves, make sure you pay attention so you don't hurt their feelings.
25. Don't drink chocolate milk before a speech or you will choke half way through
26. You don't always have to go to museum sight visits because most of the time they have every artifact or design on the internet.
27. Museums are fun and a great way to waste time.
28. Always, ALWAYS bring a book with you on the subway.
29. Take advantage of everything the college has to offer.
30. Don't be afraid to audition for something (lets just say rocky horror) and make a complete fool out of yourself because it makes for a hilarious story
31. Don't quit something because of one bad experience
32. There is a club out there for everyone.
33. Do the readings even if you have to keep your eyes open with tape.
34. If you think the teacher may give a pop quiz, always be prepared.
35. If you think the teacher is not going to give a pop quiz, just know that they are.
36. Philosophy is NOT for everyone.
37. Be ready to listen to people's opinions that are completely different from your own and accept them for what they are. (i'm talking about you annoying kid in my philosophy class)
38. Just because you were bad at a subject in high school doesn't mean you will be horrible at it in college.
39. Don't choose a major going in to school unless you are absolutely certain that that is the path you want to go down.
40. Changing majors is frustrating and time consuming.
41. Do not get stuck in the no-workout rut.
42. If you do get stuck in the no-workout rut, make sure you plan your meals accordingly.
43. Yoga is the greatest invention ever.
44. Just because you can't (and probably never will) touch your toes, doesn't mean you can't enjoy yoga.
45. Don't laugh when you're in candlestick pose.
46. Don't get behind on laundry.
47. The laundry machines will never be empty on the weekends and don't talk yourself into thinking that they will be.
48. Spend as much time with friends as you possibly can because summer comes faster than you think
49. Remember it is not goodbye, it's "I'll see you later"
50. Never regret how you spent your time, but cherish how that time was spent.

Sorry for the lack of blog posts lately! So much has happened and I just can't find the time in the day to sit down and put it all together. Finals are really testing my limits right now. That and the fact that I have to travel across the country in just a matter of DAYS is not lessening the stress. But in the end it will all be worth it... I hope ;)

Also here is my current song obsession and study song. I have listened to it more times than I care to admit, but I hope you enjoy it!

Well I am now officially 19 and am in my last year as a teenager. How frightening.... Although I couldn't be home for my birthday, I had an amazing time here with my friends. Two of my classes were canceled and my last was cut short so I took that as my gift from God.
To begin the night, my friends and I went to central park and walked around for awhile because it was such a perfect day. Then we went to my favorite restaurant ever YUM YUM! It was a wonderful meal filled with many laughs and I couldn't have had a more perfect way of celebrating. Then we walked to Magnolia bakery and got a cupcake. They surprised me with a candle and we went and sat at Rockefeller Center and they embarrassed me by singing the Happy Birthday song as loud as they could.
The next day we decided to be adventurous and go to Coney Island. As soon as I stepped foot on the beach I felt completely satisfied and surprisingly it cured some of my homesickness. While two of my friends went and rode the rides at the carnival that is on the pier, my friends Coline, Cassandre, and I went and got a manicure and pedicure. After a long day we came back the dorms and watched Mamma Mia.
With all the stress of finals and preparing to come home, it was amazing to have my friends take time out of their day to celebrate with me. I am excited to come home and am counting down the minutes, but to have such fantastic friends here makes it a lot easier.
Now its just 363 more days until I am twenty!!!





Some pictures from the last two days :)

As I come to the realization that this will be my last year of being an official "teenager," I can't help but feel a growing sense of uneasiness that my childhood has officially ended. On Sunday my friends and I were riding the subway and we got into the topic of disney movies. We laughed at quotes some characters said and sang our favorite songs from as many movies as we could think of. Coline and I got really nostalgic and we have been watching disney movie after disney movie just to fill this sudden craving for the innocent plots of the films. As soon as the movie begins I feel I am being swept back into a time when everything was simpler and the actions you chose didn't make such a dramatic influence on your life. I have been having this feeling that everything I do, every move I make, I am actively choosing where my life is going. In my sociology class we learned that the notion of the teenager or adolescent is a fairly new concept. It wasn't until we began living longer, and therefore spending more time in the work force, that we labeled young adults as unfit to live on their own. And even though I know that adulthood begins at the time you hit puberty, I shudder to think about having to had start my life at 13 years old.
Of course there is that other side of me that is craving the day that I start life on my own. I know college is not the real world. I know that I have to be prepared for this giant world that is awaiting me. In my head I know I am an adult who is in charge of my fate, but in my heart, I am still the little girl who is sucking her thumb, completely oblivious to what the future has in store.

...p.s. I feel it is fitting that I got a cold on my birthday week. Reminds me even more of my childhood ;)